If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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