Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
