My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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