based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
