Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
