He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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