...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
