Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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