so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
