Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
