your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
