It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
