I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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