I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
