I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
