Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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