I think I won the penis lottery.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
