Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
