Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So. Much. Porn.
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