i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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