so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
