He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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