my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
