someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
