I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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