i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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