I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i would punch a child for taco bell
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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