Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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