Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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