Why is your signature on my underwear?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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