my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
