If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.