The maid of honor just puked.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.