Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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