she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
