Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
