there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
