I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
