How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
