Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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