I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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