sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
