I smell stomach acid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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