chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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