You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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