Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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