How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
