she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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