just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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