Having a random hookup so left but love u
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
