Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
