Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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