The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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