she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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