What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
