I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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