i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
