She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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